To find out, or not?

The last post I made was last January, almost exactly a year ago, when I announced our pregnancy! I feel like I should have kept up with posts on updates, but sometimes life just needed to be experienced, and not written about right away.

I've come across several posts on blogs, websites, etc. about whether or not to find out the sex of your baby. I totally get the reasons for letting it be a surprise on the day of birth, and I am happy for those that choose not to find out. I think it's great that they have that kind of patience, or whatever their reasoning is. I know all the reasons to wait... "It's how past generations did it before all this technology." "Your pregnancy shouldn't be about the gender, it should be about the fact that you have a baby growing in you!" "Pregnancies, baby showers, etc. have become too 'genderized,'" "When people are talking to you about your pregnancy, the most important question shouldn't be 'are you having a boy or girl'?" Etc etc.

Jake and I chose to find out. And whatever others' reasoning is for not finding out the sex, I really do not want to be made to feel guilty or bad about our decision, which is the vibe I get from many posts/articles. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain myself, but I'm going to anyway. (The same goes for her birth; I gave birth in a hospital, with an epidural, had vacuum assist, did not hold or breastfeed my baby right away [due to circumstances beyond my control; I had wanted to do so], and she did not stay in the room with us the first night. Several [but not all] of these things I already feel badly about and wish it could have gone differently, but I get tired of reading things that make me feel even more guilty about it...or when people chime in with their story - "I had an all natural birth of a 10 pound baby, twice! No episiotomy!" But this is another story, something I'll be sure to rant about if/when I post about her whole birth - still debating if I want to do this or not)

Anyway, back to finding out the sex.

The biggest thing for me was bonding. When we discovered I was pregnant, and for weeks afterward, I was happy, to an extent. I had known for a very, very long time that I wanted to be a mother, and the fact that it was going to happen was a joyful thing. However, I was having trouble bonding to the baby inside me. I didn't really feel like a mother for a while, and I think it's based on several things combined. One, morning sickness and extreme fatigue. I was hit with it very hard, and could hardly eat anything but Instant Noodles for weeks. I was so miserable that it was difficult to feel happy about being pregnant. Second, homesickness. We had only been living in Iowa for about two and a half months when we found out. I was already missing my family terribly, and knowing that I'd have a baby this far from them made me even more homesick. Third, the winter blues. That was the first winter I'd ever really experienced the winter blues, at least to this extent. I was depressed and tired and sick (obviously due to the pregnancy but made worse by my first experience with an Iowa winter and homesickness). I couldn't go outside to get fresh air and sunshine because I was utterly exhausted and sick, but also because there WAS no sunshine! November and December were freezing and rainy. Ugh. Anyway, these things combined may it hard to bond with the baby, and I think not knowing what it was (boy or girl) made it even more difficult.

I had read a list of pros and cons to finding out the sex versus waiting somewhere (Baby Center maybe?) and that one of the pros to finding out was that it can help you bond with the baby. So we decided to find out.

Our anatomy ultrasound was scheduled for when I was 20 weeks pregnant, which was when we would find out. However, we got rear-ended on our way to work when I was 19 weeks and a few days, and although we seemed fine, Jake took me in to the doctor just to make sure everything was okay with baby. Heartbeat was still strong but the doctor decided we'd benefit from an ultrasound just to make sure. She then asked if we wanted to do the anatomy ultrasound then, instead of waiting until the next week. We of course said yes, but I was so nervous; since we were doing it earlier, I was not prepared to know if it was a boy or a girl! I had been trying to prepare for a week later.

We went through the ultrasound, the tech describing what parts of the body she was looking at, and (thank the Lord), when everything looked great and as it should. Finally, she asked "Do you guys want to know what you're having?" Yes!

My heart was pounding and I could hardly contain myself. At first the baby was not in the best position to be able to tell, but the ultrasound tech jiggled my tummy a little with the wand to get the baby moving a little. Finally, she announced, "You guys are having a girl!" I immediately gasped and looked at Jake, and tears sprung to my eyes. After that I stopped paying attention to what was on the screen and what the tech was saying because I was in such a daze, but Jake later told me that she was pointing out the baby's "little girl parts" to us and describing how she knew. I was crying and when the jelly was wiped off my belly and I was standing up again, the tech handed me some tissues. I think I would have cried whether it was a boy or girl. I think I was just so happy to know what the baby inside me was.

After that I fell even more in love with her, just being able to say "she" and "her" instead of "it" made me feel like a mother. I think starting to show a bump also helped me bond, because there was more visible proof of the baby.

I have no doubt that I would have eventually bonded to the baby even if we had waited to find out, and know I would've fallen in love with her when she was born even though I wouldn't have known what to expect. But I strongly feel that it helped me through my pregnancy. In order to keep at least one thing a surprise for others, we decided to keep her name secret. It was fun for Jake and I to have that secret between us and to hear/see others' reactions after she was born when we introduced "Evelyn Matilda!"

Side note: Evelyn was a name that we both loved even before we met. Jake liked it from "The Mummy" and even calls her "Evie" like in the movie. I didn't have a specific place I heard it; i just liked it. Matilda came from my parents - when they were having children themselves, they had considered the name Matilda for all 3 of us. I remembered that story for years and I always liked it. My parents were tickled pink that we had given her that as her middle name.

This I know for sure: Whether or not you find out the sex, no matter how much you love the baby inside you, nothing compares to the love you feel when he/she is in your arms or sleeping on your chest or nursing on you and making little satisfied grunts. Beginning right after she was born and I first saw her big feet and thick hair and first heard her little cries while she was being suctioned, I was filled with such overwhelming love. They tell you, "There is no love like a mother's love for her child," and you can nod and agree, but you don't know until you're there. Seriously, sometimes I look at her and my heart feels like it is going to explode out of my chest. I can't contain it!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I think that if you choose to be surprised on the baby's birth day what he/she is, GREAT! I admire you. If you choose to find out the sex while he/she is still in your belly, GREAT! Why not ? We might consider waiting to find out with our future babies. We'll see if impatience gets the better of us :)

Popcorn

Last post was in September? Seriously? I think that goes to show how much my life has changed since early September and how preoccupied I have been with other things to post any updates.

Regardless, I know not a lot of people read this, and all of you that do probably know the main updates to my life that I'm about to reveal (because of Facebook) but I like often going into elaborate detail, more than the amount of detail I can go into on Facebook and text messages.

Last time I wrote, we were hoping to adopt a dog we met at a rescue in Cedar Rapids. Well, we got him! We renamed him Dexter, and he's been such a joy to have around. I missed having a dog in my life so much, and I love finally having one again. He's silly and has quite the personality - still has a lot of youth and energy in him, but he is turning out to be a good family dog and even does so well in the apartment all day while we're at work. He's done a few naughty things, but his cuteness and entertainment outweigh the mischievous moments.

Second, Jake got a new job! He is now no longer at a call center (thank heavens - it was really starting to wear on him), and got a job with the Iowa City Area Chamber of Commerce. He's an office manager there, and does a lot of everything, really. He is really enjoying it and appreciates being treated like an adult for a change. Also, he works closer to where I do, so we carpool together most of the time now.

Third, not new, but I'm still at my job with the Univ. of Iowa. That's good, since it's the reason we moved here... I am still liking it for the most part and really enjoy the people I work with. Sometimes the job is really great, and other times it wears on me and is kinda "eh." One thing I noticed: this job has a tendency to be reeeeeaaallly busy for a few weeks, then reaaaaalllly slow for a few weeks, then reeeeeeallly busy, and the cycle goes on. It doesn't gradually go from slow to busy - it takes giant leaps. I miss being the same amount of busy most of the time - not overwhelmingly busy, but not super slow. I know that not every job is perfect, but there are a lot of perks and great benefits to being here as an advisor. I just don't feel like this is what I want to do for a long time.

The fourth, and most amazing, terrifying, beautiful, and exciting thing to happen since I posted last, is that................

WE'RE HAVING A BABY!

This is where the title of my post comes in, because right now as I type, the baby is squirming like crazy and it feels like popcorn popping in my belly! I just started feeling it about two weeks ago, and it tickles. like. CRAZY. I make squeaky noises involuntarily whenever it gives me a tiny little punch or kick.

We found out in late October. I started just feeling, "off," and not longer after feeling "off," I realized I was late. Then queasiness and nausea started. And a couple other symptoms. Then surprise! Two pink lines on the stick. Cue the breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably and getting makeup all over Jake's shirt.

The shock wore off, a week later we told close family and close friends, and in 8 days we will know whether it's a boy or a girl :) (That is, if he/she isn't crossing his/her legs over his/her parts...) Morning sickness stuck with me like a siamese twin from the 5th until about the 12th week of pregnancy. Now it's an occasional visitor, like a relative that I am not particularly fond of but feel obligated to accept now and then because of family ties - or in this case, because it's normal. The toilet and I had a good relationship going there for a while, but it was time to loosen our ties to each other a bit. I'm not entirely sure how I survived two busy phases at work during the fall semester when I could hardly keep my eyes open to stay awake.

It's hard being so far away from my family. It's amazing having Jake and our dog, but I miss home. A lot. There have been a few visits, and there will be more in the next few months, but nothing beats being within driving distance when I want to see them for the weekend. The cold weather and sickness didn't help my melancholy feelings, but I have been feeling better. Jake and I don't know how long we'll be there, and I'm still hoping that it won't be very long, even though I can't define "very long" just because there are a lot of unknowns. I want our child to have their grandparents nearby to have a close relationship with them, as well as his or her aunts and uncles. I try to have faith that we'll settle where we're meant to settle (but I'm hoping that means close to Los Alamos!).

Yet again I've written a very long post, but what is anything without the details? I'll try to be on here more often. Here's to being bombarded with many changes in a matter of a few months!

Greetings from Iowa!

*Long post alert*

Oh boy, what a ride it's been! Proof that my life has changed quite drastically in the last several weeks is the fact that I haven't posted since I announced our big move.

Our move went rather well- we left Las Cruces (with a difficult good-bye between Erin and I-tears were definitely shed by both of us!) on Friday July 27, my dad pulling my aunt's horse trailer with most of what was in our apartment. We were so glad to get the heck out of there. Don't think I mentioned this in my last two posts, but our apartment manager was making our lives a lot more hellish than it needed to be, all because of what happened with our next door neighbor several months ago. Won't go into too many details now, but basically they hated us because of our "constant" complaints about the raging parties... when filling out the rental verification form for our landlord in Iowa, they basically made it sound like we were the ones that were a nuisance, and that we were bad tenants. All because we were continuously asking them to do their job and let us live in peace. Luckily, our current landlord is amazingly nice and she believed every word we said, and disregarded the form.

Sheesh. Anyway, we stayed in Los Alamos for a few days, then on August 1st we left for Iowa! My mom rode with me the whole way in my car, my dad pulled the trailer in his truck, and Jake drove his highlander. The first night, we stayed in Grand Island, Nebraska. A neat town, actually. I opened my windows when we were driving into the town that night, and we were bombarded with the smell of hay and the feel of humidity. I loved it.

Next day we drove to our new home in Coralville, Iowa-a suburb of Iowa City that is nicely set away from the college atmosphere. We took over another couple's lease for an apartment, a nice 2-bedroom in a very friendly and relatively quiet community. I was skeptical about living in an apartment again-I was pretty determined to get a house rental or at least a townhouse or duplex next, but so far it's been great. I mean, no apartment living situation is perfect, but the few *slightly* negative things about this apartment/complex are definitely outweighed by the positive things, and are practically nothing compared to our last living situation in Cruces.

My parents stayed with us for 3 nights and helped us set up the apartment and get settled. That Sunday, Aug. 5, they left early in the morning. Probably one of the hardest times of my life. My mom, dad, and I could not hold back the tears and sobs. I don't think I'd ever seen my dad break down that much in front of me-I've seen him tear up, but nothing like this. It was heartbreaking, but knowing that they were proud of me and that this was a new adventure made things a little better. Things were made more difficult by the fact that my 17 month (at the time) niece, Arwen, was fighting a really bad MRSA infection in her leg. We found this out while we were all in Iowa, so I know it was difficult for my parents to not be there. Hard for me, too, especially because I couldn't go back to see them. She pulled through, though, and a few days after my parents got back to NM she had surgery to drain the infection, and she's good as new now, thanks to so many people's prayers and great doctors.

I started my job the day after my mom and dad left, and I absolutely love it. The three other new people and I went through intense training the first two weeks, and have been training on and off but also seeing students the last three weeks. It's a tricky job, but it keeps my mind busy and I've been learning quickly! I feel so comfortable there, too, and fit in with the office culture and the people so well. There is a wide range of ages and types of people, which I love. Everyone has been so accommodating and helpful.

While it's taken a lot of getting used to because of how different it is from New Mexico, this area is beautiful and we love it so far. There are thick forests all around, we've been getting a lot of rain, and there are many places to go hiking/camping/fishing. Jake and I went fishing last week at a nice secluded pond in a state park only 10 minutes away last weekend, and caught four bluegill between the two of us. Also, we've been searching for a dog to add to our family! Last week we met a 1 1/2 year old black lab mix at a dog rescue in Cedar Rapids, and hopefully will be hearing back about our application soon.  I'll update if this goes through, and post some pics :)

Overall, we've been enjoying this new phase of our lives and are trying to be as involved as possible at public events around here. I will be going to the Faculty-Staff Orchestra practice on Monday-I'm so nervous, because I've hardly played my violin since high school! But I think it will be fun to try it out. Jake is enjoying his "new" job too-even though it's not really new, it is a new place and the office culture where he works is very different (and according to him, far better than) from the one in Las Cruces. There's also a program at the University of Iowa called Dual Career Network that is specifically for helping spouses of new University employees in their job search. He's met with his DCN officer and she's helped him with his resume. Hopefully something will come along soon, but we are so grateful that he at least has a job here, too.

Anyway, I think that's enough update for now. I miss my friends and family and the mountains like crazy, but I know this is what we needed at this time in our lives and look forward to more to come!

But I will miss some things here...

Yesterday I wrote about how Jake and I are sooo ready to get out of Las Cruces. And it's true, and I won't miss Las Cruces in general. We're just over the people in general and the culture and the climate (although, even though the Iowa City area is supposed to be milder climate, lately it's been experiencing a heat wave, so at times it's been even hotter than it is here, plus it's humid. But oh well). However, there are some things that have made my heart ache about this move.

1. Some restaurants. Okay, my heart isn't really aching about restaurants, but I will miss the following: a) Mesilla Valley Kitchen- where else will I get a breakfast of scrumptious MVK spuds? b) Red Brick Pizza - This is a chain, but only in a handful of states, of which do not include Iowa :( So long, Italian Fhazzani sandwich. c) Blake's Lotaburger! Of course, this is all over New Mexico. Best green chile burgers. d) Pic Quik- yes, a gas station/convenience store chain in southern NM, but what I'll miss about them is their Santa Fe Grill Medicine Man burritos. 

2. My bestie Erin! She lives down here with her husband and we've been getting together for weekly coffee chats and just started going to yoga together recently, before I found out about the job. It seemed like it was going to be a fun tradition of ours, and now I'm bailing out. However, she has been applying to PA schools all over the country, so she may not be here much longer either. I just hope we'll end up close to each other again sometime, because we've decided to make our kids be best friends, too.

3. NMSU and many of its people. I didn't really feel sad at all until a couple nights ago. Jake and I went on a long walk, and on the way back, walked through the campus. So many memories came back ad I got really nostalgic. I kept thinking "Here is the horseshoe lawn where I got stuck in the mud walking to biology lab, and that guy on the bike rode by and just laughed at me," "Here is where I went to moonlight mass that one time," "Here are the steps where Jake took a photo of my sister and I," "There's Frenger food court where I all too frequently bought a mocha and read the campus newspaper my freshman year," "There's the grassy area where Jake and I shared Chinese food, a couple days before we started dating, where he told me how pretty I looked that day" "There's the Speech building, where I pretty much spent 90% of my time during the last two years and had to insist on not doing a thesis, much to the dismay of my advisor" and so on. I have a lot of memories from the campus, and I am sad to be leaving it behind.

4. And finally, White Sands. Where I came alone once freshman year, because I was feeling down and meant to drive around Las Cruces but ended up driving all the way to the national monument. Where I spent time with my new friend Jake. Where I came several times with my boyfriend Jake. And where I became the wife-to-be of Jake, who knelt in front of me at sunset and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.

I will miss all of these. But I know that Iowa will bring more memories and things to hold on to, because it will be another chapter in our lives.

Our next adventure

(Long post; prepare yourselves!)

Well for those of you that did not read it on Facebook, a big change is occurring in Jake's and my life (no, not a baby :). I can't remember if I wrote about this last month, but last month I had an interview over Skype with the University of Iowa to be an Academic Advisor. Well, I wasn't really sure how it went. I felt like I did really well with some questions, and just okay with others. A couple weeks went by, and one of my professors sent me a text message saying, "I just sang your praises to some people at the University of Iowa who contacted me for a reference!" This was terrifying to me - this meant that they thought the interview went well enough/they liked me enough to start contacting my references! Good news, yes, but I almost didn't want to get offered the job simply for fear of big change. I cried to Jake later that day and spilled my fears, and felt a little better. A week later, I was called by one of the committee members that interviewed me and she told me that I was one of their top choices and that I was being "unofficially" offered the position- they still were waiting for the request to hire me to get approved on some levels. The fear set in again, but I was also excited this time. Mostly sad though, because I couldn't stand the thought of being so far away from my family and going to a new city where I will know nobody except Jake. I called Jake at work and told him, and started bawling on the phone from the rush of emotions. He was so happy (happier than I at the moment). I spent the rest of the day crying my eyes out, and over the weekend we talked basically nonstop about it, and there were several times where I insisted I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else yet- I was still coming to terms with the whole thing. Sunday night I called my parents and told them. They were happy and excited for me, but I could hear my dad start to choke up, too.

Over the next couple days, the more I thought about it, the more excited and happy I became about it. I also knew that if I turned this down just because I was scared of change, I would regret it in the future. This is what Jake and I have been wanting for a long time- the chance to experience somewhere completely new and to get out of Las Cruces. We've gone through a lot here and are just tired of the culture. I think we will fit in a lot better in the Iowa City area. There are far more opportunities for college graduates and young people there, and it's much more progressive than LC is. Plus, Jake is able to transfer with his company to Coralville (basically part of Iowa City), so it works out perfectly for us. On Wednesday I got the "official" job offer, and will be starting August 6th! We have already basically found a place to live (just waiting for background checks, etc. to be complete, and hopefully, for us to be approved)- taking over the lease of a married couple's 2 bedroom apartment in Coralville. It is in a wonderful apartment complex community, and it seems like the residents are much more cared for and respected than our current living situation. I was pretty set on renting a townhouse or a nice duplex, or even a house if it was affordable rent, but this apartment community seems way better than ours now and we will have more space in that one. So I can deal with another year or two in an apartment, as long as nothing like "the neighbor situation" from a few months ago happens.

Our tentative plan is that we will leave to Los Alamos this Friday and spend 4-5 days there. My parents are amazing- they volunteered to drive their truck with my aunt's horse trailer along with Jake and I all the way to Iowa City and back. We will be paying for gas and overnight hotel stays, but this will save us soo much money because we won't have to rent a moving truck (unfortunately, the department I'll be working for doesn't have it in their budget to pay for relocation expenses).

I am very nervous about the whole thing- the moving logistics, the being far away from my family and friends, the not knowing people there, and the job- but now I am happy and looking forward to this new adventure with my husband. I think we will love it there, and of course we will visit home as often as possible. Here's to new experiences and living life to the fullest!

Back to candles

Yesterday, while watching a movie to help pass the long afternoon hours, I lit a few wax candles and ended up playing with the melted wax. I'm obviously running out of ways to entertain myself these days. Anyway, it made me realize how long it's been since I've made some gel candles, so as soon as the movie was over, I pulled out my supplies, which were a bit dusty, and got to work. For Christmas I got a couple Hobby Lobby gift cards and had bought a big bucket of candle gel, but have not touched it since. So between yesterday and today I have made 4 complete candles and decorated 3 candle holders that I will fill at a later time. The problem is, I have a lot of completed candles, but don't want them all to myself. Not that we don't have enough clutter anyway. So if any of these look like they would complement your house well, or would make a nice gift for someone you know, please let me know! I don't have prices for any of these at the time, but we can work something out :)

Potpourri always makes me think of my mom. She always put potpourri in dishes when we were growing up, and still does. She even set up potpourri dishes in us kids' apartments when we went off to college. Anyway I had this potpourri dish (no doubt because of my mom's doing) and thought I'd make it a little more interesting. This is one way you can use flammable items with gel candles. This one isn't for sale, because I like my potpourri dish and I already started burning it :) But if you like it enough, I could get more materials and recreate it! The gel is rose-scented.

I had this container that held a store-bought candle in it before, and the company's name is inscribed into the jar. So I tied this cute bow and hot-glued it over the name. Once the gel burns down some, you will probably be able to see the wording if you look on the inside of the candle, but I think I was pretty resourceful :) This one is lavender scented, to go with the color. It would be cute for a girl's room.

This one is a light blue gel with blue river gems at the bottom.

 And looking into it...

For this one, I haven't decided if I will turn it into a gel candle, or just use it as a tealight or votive candle holder. I did this with a vase one time. Just wrapped and hot-glued hemp all the way around. If you want this, you can buy it as is to use as a holder or ask me to make it into a gel candle. Here you see it as a tealight holder. It looked kinda cool with the light flickering through the hemp.

This one was my first attempt at making a multicolored candle. There are three different shades of blue. It turned out ok, but next time I think I will use colors that are more obviously different.

 The three different shades are a little more obvious in the below picture, because of the angle and the neutral background of my placemat :)

And here are two Christmas candle holders! I haven't filled them yet because I'm waiting until it is closer to the holiday season so that they don't get dusty and the gel doesn't move (I once kept a gel candle stored at an angle, and eventually the gel took that form :P) I got the Christmas ribbon and holly decorations from a garage sale a couple weeks ago when I was visiting my family. Aren't they neat? I think when I fill them I might use red or green coloring, or maybe just clear gel, and scent it with cinnamon, or evergreen, or something else Christmas-y. I like that the first one has a lid to keep dust and bugs out.

  

The one below could also be a simple but pretty votive candle holder, rather than filling it with gel. Hmmm...

And lastly, there is this cute one in a tin with a lid! I think I may have posted a picture of this one sometime ago, but I took off the green ribbon it had and replaced it with blue to go with the blue gel. I don't know why I originally put green. It also has black marbles at the bottom.

Let me know what you think!

Reading, and more reading

That's what I've been doing this summer while Jake is at work and I look for a job. I was happy to graduate last month, but that also meant that I was no longer employed. I've been applying like crazy for student service jobs at universities in several different states, and it is exhausting. I've also applied for a few part-times here in Las Cruces, but it would be great if it didn't come down to that

The good news is, I did have an interview two days ago with the University of Iowa! Iowa seems kinda random, right? Well the reason I started looking in Iowa City was because Jake had applied for a promotion with his company that would place us in Iowa City. He did not get it, but we became interested in the area anyway, and I came across an open position at the university that I met all the requirements for and that I would be good at and enjoy (I think). So, to my excitement, I received a call from them last Wednesday and was interviewed over Skype on Monday. It's hard to say how the interview went. I was incredibly nervous, and struggled with a couple "hypothetical scenario" questions they asked me, but I think they liked me and I hope I made up for the difficult ones with a few impressionable responses... So while I hoped I made an impression, I'd also be terrified to move to Iowa City. I've never lived more than 5 1/2 hours away from my family in Los Alamos, and I can't stand the thought of being 20 hours away.

But anyway, while I look for and apply for jobs nearly every day, it is mentally exhausting and so I've been doing a lot of leisure reading, something I couldn't do much of during school! It's great to read something that isn't full of theories and discussions of validity/reliability. Don't get me wrong, I kinda miss the academic materials (wait, what did I just say??), but it's nice to not have to critically think about what I just read. Also, it's been too stinking hot here to be able to go on comfortable walks or to the park to pass the day, so between running errands, I've been holed up in the apartment. I did visit my family for 5 days, and that was great so do something else. So far this summer I have read the entire Hunger Games series, House Rules by Jodi Picoult (a favorite author), and am currently reading a John Grisham novel called Playing For Pizza. I'd also like to re-read the Harry Potter series and check out some more Jodi Picoult books. If you have read something great recently, I gladly take suggestions! I like many genres, so fire away!